I wrote this last Saturday Morning. Didn’t know exactly what to do with it…
I posted it on a FB group I have called “Setting Goals Achieving Goals” and one other FB page I have for something that has to do with business.
The next day Sunday Evening, I answered a comment on a video I did that is a part of my Authentic Living series, and it occurred to me that this writing belongs right there.
If you are part of that list of people who opted in to follow my journey… This is right up that ally. I would love to hear what you think about it…. Thank you so much for being a part of my world, thank you that you have connected with me. Here goes…
As I sit here in my pajamas at my Mac at 9:13 am on a Saturday having been awake since 6:30 am with my tea now next to me steeping having ate 3 home baked cookies after telling myself I was starting my diet afresh today… I am wondering what happened to the last 2 hours and 45 minutes since I opened my eyes, hopped on my phone in bed to check email and Facebook.
Where did that time go? (Answer: It got sucked into the Facebook Vortex, a little bit like my sisters kitchen Vortex, but that is for another blog)
I find myself sitting here listening to a silent loud voice in my head saying “DO SOMETHING!”
…and then EVERYTHING begins to pour out like a cartoon-scrolled to do list with thousands of things written on it, but I can not make out one of the written words, nor do I want to.
My mind begins to chatter an action plan…
“Look at the free course on goal setting you have in your email box.”
“Get your morning routine started in your new “Mastery Journal” and begin with your usual meditation.”
“Write something to the Goal Setting Group you started on Facebook!”
Then I step back as the observer and ask myself…
“what are you doing in your pajamas?! Getting dressed and looking like a human being!”
I feel stumped… “What the Fu** are you doing?!” “Why are you so freaking lost?!”
I sit here in silence. Not meditative silence, my inner critic is way to active this morning to call this anything but mental duress. LOL (but not really laughing)
And so what did I decide to do?
I opened up a word doc and began to write about it. (You are reading it right now)
I know I’m not alone, I know you are just like me, and I know you suffer from the same bullsh**.
Wanting something, but either doing NOTHING or doing what I like to call “A-lotta Nothin” which is the equivalency of wheel spinning.
Being very busy for short bursts of time, maybe a long burst thrown in here and there but with no direction, so of course nothing gets done.
So, what do I write now?
The list of excuses I can come up with as to why I am still in my Pajamas feeling confused and overwhelmed and directionless are plenteous. But the truth is, no excuse is worth the breath it takes to verbalize.
No matter what excuse I can come up with there is someone out there doing what they need to in far worse circumstances than my current pitiful conditions.
I have been in this place as a *S.L.O.B. before and figured out how to get from overwhelm to productive, why can’t I make that happen for me here?
When I got my act together and my house cleaned up with a clear plan, productivity overflowed out into other areas of my life, I accomplished goals that I never dreamed I would.
So… What is different now?
I am searching for an answer, there must be one…
Could it be in the uncharted territory I find myself since I sold my house and abandoned the identity of Wife, Mommy, homeowner, and matriarch?
I don’t know… but one thing is for sure…no one tells us what to do after we say I do, buy the house, get the job, graduate high school and have the baby.
Eventually though… the marriage ends by reason of divorce or death, you sell the house, the job is terminated or you retire, you move onto college and the career ends, or the baby turns 30 and is moving across the country or stays local but doesn’t live with or need you anymore, and there is no “I’m older now with lots of ideas and plenty of dreams” template to emulate.
How do you reinvent yourself and your life plan without anything to reference?
The feeling of overwhelm and confusion as to how to proceed moving forward with my life and to-do list is deafening.
I do realize that you don’t have to be in the place of transition as I am to not feel able to move forward with a life plan.
I think this happens to all of us when we break from the status quo and feel the surge of motivation to break the mold and become so compelled to move ahead with a plan that we actually do it.
But I gotta tell ya… I did that. I broke the mold. I started a business at 50 with little money, little time, very little skill, and no confidence in myself… and yeah, it was tough… But this?
This is paralyzing. Being faced with, “WHO THE FU** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!” and “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?!” has left me with thoughts of futility and abandon.
But I gotta tell you, I did feel that when starting Tidy Tutor, BUT there was a desperation that pushed me.
I was out of a 26 year marriage, with no money, no prospects for money other than the toilet scrubbing business I had (I cleaned houses) and so maybe, just maybe that is why I was able to push through and “Just do it!” where that was concerned.
“Well..” She said with a smile as if all the above text did not exist…. “Gotta run!” LOL (Now I am laughing)
I didn’t know what else to do, so I wrote you…
Plus, I can see it for what it is now, and maybe, just maybe find others in my place, who have been there and done that who are either in the throws of it or have overcome it. 🙂
Regardless, I am writing this to you… because dreams were made to do something about, and age… is just a freaking number.
This is definitely going to be a saga.
This writing is just a week later and so much bullish** and wonderfulness has been thrown between my ears since then that I just know that my journey will help you…
To be continued…
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*S.L.O.B. Coined by Pam Young and Peggy Jones authors of Sidetracked Home Executives standing for: Spontaneous, Lovable, Optimistic, and Beloved.