The overwhelm and the victory starts in the mind
Even getting physically fit starts here.
Nov 4, 2012
Journey to Oneness – Day Three
Today I decided I would sleep in.
I prayed my day would be clear so I can sleep in and do what I
need to do when I wanted it.
I woke up and I thought I had to do the laundry.
I’ve ran out of things to wear.
Although I look around my house, there has to be hundreds of things
I could wear, that I haven’t found in years.
Nevertheless, I stopped that train of thought and gathered
what I needed to wash.
Unfortunately, the washers were already being used so I was
almost going to just wait.
Then I thought about my truck.
How aside from my home, I spend most time in and have created
such a mess in and outside of it.
Since I work a lot in the community, I could get away with the
overwhelming amount of items in the back of my truck.
But some friends have commented that they hoped my house isn’t
in the same state.
Well it is.
So today, I took it upon myself to clean the back of my truck.
I swept it and threw away what needed to be thrown.
Mold had accumulated on fruits I’ve forgotten were there.
And also on one of my favorite pair of shoes.
It sure wasn’t the first time.
But I hope it is the last.
Just as I was happy with it being crystal clean, I was told by the manager
that I need to clear the side of my house.
I’ve put things there to store it but it started to look just as things
looked inside of my house.
And I took what she said as a challenge.
So I’ve made up my mind to find a storage for these community items.
I am no longer willing to keep things in the back of my truck like a
traveling storage unit.
In the evening, as I sat at home in the only chair that I can sit in,
I was going to eat my usual fried meal. Then I thought I should adhere to
my other transformation – to eat healthy and to finally lose this 100 pounds
extra weight I have been carrying since 2000.
So I decided to make a salad. And I was excited as I found this wonderful
cutting board that was large and beautiful. And the salad spinner.
And the chop it gadget.
I used it all and I was very pleased with being able to use the
things I’ve uncovered.
As I sat there, I got a little bit sad.
I thought about the years my Mother and I had not sat down at our own
home to eat in our dining table.
The only time that we would be able to eat next together on a
table was at parties or events.
This was our life.
And we were okay with it.
I also remember when I was so angry that our kitchen sink clogged.
And we couldn’t fix it.
And I wouldn’t allow my Mom to get help because I didn’t want
anyone to come into our home.
So for more than 5 years we did not use our kitchen sink.
We used our bathroom sink to wash our dishes.
And I hated it.
I hated it all.
I hated the life we were living.
I hated the conditions I suffered.
And so I created a field of denial.
I slept here.
I took a shower here.
I ate here.
But I don’t “live” here.
This was temporary.
I was waiting on moving to another place.
This was my thinking.
Until my Mother left me permanently.
And now this was all mine.
And I realized, there wouldn’t be anyone else to blame for the mess.
I was alone, and I alone was responsible.
So the first night my Mother left, after I cried and my heart was broken,
I cleared the restroom.
I put out all my perfumes.
And I started on the dining room table
And I steam cleaned part of the floor.
Then I stopped.
And I lived even more carelessly.
I threw my things around as it was clearly “my home”
And I had no rules.
And so it went for 11 months.
And it will be two years a week before Thanksgiving that she would be gone.
And then I think, this is MY home.
A home that has loved and been patient with me.
This home has been good to me.
And I’m sorry to have disrespected it so.
And so the journey continues.
And maybe one day I can freely open the door and have someone look at my restroom.
Fix my faucets.
Fix my floor.
And maybe I can finally get my electric working in all rooms.
And I can fix them a snack for all their help.
And maybe some tea.
And we will have a wonderful conversation on my dining room table.
And we will have a laugh or two.
And he will never know that he was my very first guest.
In this beautiful house of mine.
I can’t wait!!