This is a Throwback Thursday blog / video that I am re-sharing today. I did it in August of 2013 while on vacation down the shore (Jersey speak for at the beach)
It’s about a kind of self care that revolves around being happy at home… If you are you dealing with a difficult existence with another person or people in your life, sometimes we need to be happy anyway and make a plan B, and sometimes we can’t do that, and we need to change our situation.
It can be tricky to discern which to do, but tricky does not mean impossible. Reach out to someone who’s qualified to help you, sometimes the answers are simper than we realize. I wish I knew years ago, what I know now…
I used to be married to a man who drank, he often would not come home from work and I would get so upset. I had an idea of how family life was supposed to be and what I was living was not matching up.
I would think, “We’re supposed to have dinner together as a family!” and then I would try and do something about it to make it happen. I would call bars to try to find him, I’d get the kids in the car and drive around to see if I could spot his car…
I learned in Alanon that these things robbed me and my children of joy. It put all the power of my happiness in someone else’s power. If he did this, I could be happy, if he didn’t I couldn’t be happy. I wanted things to be a specific way so bad that I allowed it to rob me of the moment, which we could never get back.
I learned about having a plan B, this was revolutionary to me!
Here was my new way of dealing with it… “OK, we aren’t going to eat dinner as a family, so lets do something else!” And I’d come up with ways to be “happy anyway!”
- I could have invited a friend over to dinner!
- We could have a picnic at the park.
- I could put a blanket down in the living room and we could eat while watching a movie.
In the video I talk about the situations in life when we can’t be happy anyway, times when we need to change our situation for safety’s sake for example.
Taking care of ourselves is not selfish. After you watch the video let me know what you think.
Much Love to you,
The Tidy Tutor
Kathy, In relation to the stuff I shared so recently, this video is a great help. It needs some pondering though!
Thanks so much Mary, I appreciate your comment. I’m so glad it was of help
You have over the years helped me tremendously! Part of my issues (there are many !) is my
spouse is a hoarder. My reaction has been , in my part of the house, to keep it like a Bizarre Architectural Digest. Is living with this insanity enough to warrant leaving? If I throw out a
bent fork it magically reappears and since Covid 19 the piles of crap in “his part” have doubled.
So nothing is accessible. in 2 bedrooms,the back porch, the garage, what used to be an apartment
upstairs plus one of two bathrooms is falling apart. Is this abuse?
I often thought, I wish my husband hit me because then I could clearly see abuse. That is easy to leave. But it really isn’t. Many women stay and find it very hard to leave. However, those who do, no one questions it, and so we find it easier to not question it.
Divorce sucks. It really isn’t an answer, there will be other problems, they won’t go away with divorce, but that brand of problem will be gone.
What can you do? Is there anything you can do to help the situation? Something I have found is that when we clean up our side of the street many other things fall into place. Even if you decide to leave, this will be a good thing to do, taking care of us, taking full responsibility for us (all the experts say) is the best direction to begin with.
Seek concealing. If you can’t talk to 5 or so people who love you, explain how you feel and what you are living with and listen to what they say. See which things make the most sense to. Find an expert in this area of relationships.
I know Alanon helped me so much to understand what my part was in my relationship. I think it is a great program, see if this organization has help for you. But whatever you do, seek help from an expert.